Operation: Take One for the Team

As the 2006 college football season draws near, those who live and die with their school can’t help but think about the chances they have, slim as they may be, of hoisting that national championship trophy at Pink Taco Field on January 8, 2007.

So, perceived weaknesses (quarterback, offensive line, secondary…you get the picture) aside, I think I’ve come up with a fool proof plan to ensure that our own Georgia Bulldogs will be that very team.

And the answer was right here under our noses all along.

Now, before I come out and reveal the true secret to Georgia’s success, I’m going to provide you with a few short stories, just to refresh your memories. I apologize for the length, but it needed to be done.

Athens, Ga. - 2 October 2004

One of the most highly anticipated games to be played at Sanford Stadium in recent memory, the 2004 Georgia-LSU game matched up the Nos. 3 and 13 teams in the nation, respectively. The Bulldogs were looking to avenge a pair of losses to the defending national champion Bengal Tigers that they had suffered a year earlier.

There just so happened to be another person in Athens who was seeking some revenge of his own: a frequent topic on this blog, one Rick Schwarz.

This takes us to the Stegeman Coliseum parking lot, in which a group of unsuspecting LSU fans had parked a bright, yellow truck. Rick, surprisingly, took offense to this action, and proceeded
to engage them in an intense stare down, head tilted, hat lying on the asphalt at his feet.

The LSU fans, likely unaware of the challenge to their manhood, looked away quickly, and just like that, Rick was victorious. He decided to celebrate by smashing aluminum cans on his forehead. Over, and over, and over again.

Later that afternoon, Rick decided to attend the Dawg Walk, which happened to be located in a very, very unfortunate area. There is a stream that runs just to the right of Sanford Stadium,
but the only way to get there is to descend a very steep ditch.

This is where the story starts to get a little fuzzy. Apparently in an attempt to relieve himself, Rick took a bit of a tumble into that very ditch.

Although Rick was out of commission at this point, the Bulldog offense certainly was not. They lit up the Tigers, looking every bit like the title contender they were expected to be, by a score of 45-16.

Jacksonville, Fla. - 29-30 October 2004

The final weekend of October would turn out much like the first, for the Georgia football team as well as our hero.

After a well-received screening of a movie called Bad Boys II late Friday night, it was off to Jacksonville for The World’s Largest Outdoor Display Of Academic Rigor. This provided Rick with his weekend entertainment, as he talked of rats, money, and many, many F-bombs.

More cans were crushed (starting to see a pattern here?) on the trip, but this time by his foot. Sound reasonable enough, until you learn that the cans would soon fly out the window of a Ford Explorer (in the passing lane), southbound on Interstate-95 well before sunrise.

The early arrival in Jacksonville would lead to an unfortunately early start to the day’s tailgating. By noon, Rick had overcome his initial reservations about drinking some of Jack Holland’s now infamous “Pink God Almighties.” Once the jug had become mysteriously empty, it was time to head to Alltel Stadium, and to the club seats he had acquired.

Evidently, the club level seats were as comfortable as advertised, because Rick was sound asleep by the end of the first half.

While Georgia pitcher Michael Hyle attempted, unsuccessfully, to wake him, the Bulldogs had built up a 24-7 lead. They would hold on to beat Florida for the first time since 1997, 31-24, to stay in the SEC East race.

Athens, Ga. - 3 September 2005

Georgia would start the 2005 season with many questions surrounding the team. Not only were they uncertain at quarterback, with the unproven D.J. Shockley starting his first game for the Bulldogs, but they also opened up their schedule against trendy upset pick Boise State on national television.

Meanwhile, we return to the Stegeman Coliseum parking lot, where Rick was in need of a pick-me-up. He was running on little, if any (we’re still not sure about that one) sleep, and had a long day ahead of him. Thankfully, help was on the way.



Due to his newfound energy, Rick was ready to fire up the grill. Never mind that it’s still 10 a.m., these people look like they could use some Lemon Pepper and/or Cajun burgers.
Anyway, we all know the drill. Cans, meet forehead.

And Georgia sees another offensive explosion, jumping out to a 38-0 lead, on their way to a 48-13 win.


That’s not even to mention the 2005 games Rick didn’t even see in person. There’s the Tennessee game, where a hair brush was rubbed on the TV screen as Jason Allen writhed in pain, and Scooby Snacks were eaten. And don’t forget the SEC Championship Game, after which sugar fell, literally, from the sky at the famous General Beauregard’s, and the Dixieland Teas flowed like wine.

If you haven’t caught on by now, there seems to be a correlation between Rick’s, um, exploits, and Georgia’s success on the field.

So, as for Georgia winning a national title this year: Rick, you know what you have to do.